When I was in Elementary School my mom owned a cleaning business. She was single and needed a way to provide for our family. One particular evening we were driving down Hillfield Road in Layton, Utah. We were heading home late one night after cleaning several businesses. I remember as we passed Northridge High School my mom said, “Who is going to come with me in the morning to clean? ”

The suburban was quiet. My six sisters and I didn’t say a word. Finally my mom said, “Its okay guys. I will go by myself. Thanks for all your help.” I piped up and said something to the effect, “Mom, its probably not a good time to talk about it. We are all tired and hungry. I’m sure we would like to come help in the morning after we have gotten some sleep.”

She laughed and laughed. I was surprised she found my response so funny. I’ve reflected on that situation many times in my life. I’m not quite sure why I remember it so vividly.

The other day Caleb and I were mulling over job prospects and as I was pushing for us to continue to discuss and evaluate our options my husband said, “I’m burnt out of this.” I felt the same way. When we went to Mobile, Alabama for PA school we really felt like the heavens opened and our answer was clear. We had several experiences that confirmed those feelings and we KNEW it was right for us at that time.

Now we have more choices in front of us and we can’t seem to find any clarity. The other night it dawned on me why its so difficult to make a choice. We are like the car full of tired little blonde girls and their mom. We have just gone through some exhausting stuff and before we have had a chance to rest, we are thinking about the next job to do.

There is another difference this time, too. I have woken up at night several times with these words coming to my mind: “This choice will be yours”. 

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where –”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
– Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

I guess we decide what we want and what our priorities are and hurry up and wait. I’m choosing gratitude at this time. Gratitude that long long ago, our Heavenly Father and Savior stood up for our right to choose. It is a gift, not a burden. And we should rejoice in the goodness of God in allowing us to be agents who act, instead of agents who are acted upon.

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